January

I am not a resolution person,  mainly because I never keep them.  I do like the idea of having a clean slate with a new year and using that as a launchpad for self betterment.  But then what happens when the resolve waivers or is broken? Do you then start to slide down the slippery slope of self-criticism to self-loathing? Do you shrug it off? But if it was so easy to shrug off, what was the point of making the resolution to begin with?

No.  New Year’s resolutions are not for me.  This is not to say that I think that I’m perfect.  If you’ve read this blog at all, you realize that I don’t think THAT about myself.  I just think that if you’re going to make a resolution, do it in the here and now.  I will practice more, STARTING TODAY; I will be nicer to my coworkers, STARTING TODAY; I will eat a piece of fruit with every meal, STARTING TODAY.  These are all things that could (and should) be started at whatever date the idea pops into the brain; they don’t need to wait until January 1 to take effect.  They’re not cartons of milk; they won’t curdle into a disgusting slime the consistency of cat puke.  I will stop procrastinating…but I’ll wait until New Year’s Day before I do.

In my relatively recent history, January has not been a good month.  Three years ago, I lost my first cat in January.  The following year, Mark left.  Last year I lost my grandmother.  So, if I were to make any sort of “resolution” it would be more of a plea to the cosmic powers: please let me get through this month without some major tragedy.  I would like to spend this month, the first full month of winter, enjoying the pale sunlight and the rainstorms.  I want to look for the first daffodils and narcissus to bloom.  I want to feel anticipation for my birthday, which three years ago was barely celebrated, two years ago was an escape mechanism, and last year was a don’t bother (we entombed my grandmother’s ashes the day before…no one really felt like celebrating).  I do not want to cry this month.  I do not want to have any “come now” phone calls.  I do not want my heart to break.  I do not want my world upended.

I would like a January that is utterly forgettable.

Tags: grief, loss, New Years resolutions, self improvement