I am a great believer in cosmic equilibrium. If something bad happens, there is something good around the corner to balance the badness. Of course the reverse is true, as well. I don’t know if I bring this on myself or if there really is some sort of force out there with a very demented sense of irony. At the moment, I don’t really care; I’m currently stuck in an emotional vortex and I must ride it out until the end result.
In May, my grandfather generously decided to purchase a new flute for me. I was totally blown away by this, but in the midst of my joy there was a nagging voice in the back of my head, “What will be the counterbalance? What big bad is out there waiting?”
Yesterday it reared its head. The ultimate irony. My grandfather’s health is fading; he has grown suddenly weak, relying on a wheelchair. This morning my uncle found him on his knees where he had fallen, unable to rise.
And the flute? It is still at the Boston manufacturer. It is finished; it is shipping today or tomorrow. It should arrive in Arizona within the next couple of weeks. The question that surrounds my waking day is, “Will it arrive in time?” I desperately want to play it for him, to show him how much his gift means to me, to prove that I am worthy of it. I want him to know that his gift is not superfluous. But I must continue to wait, to worry, to wonder, to weep. And mostly, to scream at the complete and utter feeling of helplessness that has enveloped me.
Tags: anxiety, Flute, grandpa, helplessness
August 28, 2008 at 7:02 pm
Know this first: You are worthy of it, whether or not you are able to play it for him. He believes you are worth it, and being able to give it to you has made him happy. However, I have come to see things much more full circle. There is not only yin and yang, but a constant ebb and flow. Perhaps there is a reason the flute has not arrived before now. Perhaps it is waiting for it’s right time. In my heart, I believe your grandpa will hear you play, again. Whether it will be his last time, none of us can say.
You’re in my thoughts, babe.
September 3, 2008 at 11:36 am
The only full truth in this is that your grandfather’s opinion is far more objective than yours. He will always hear you play in a manor that is worth all honors and each time you play your new flute, you will be playing for him and that will add to every note you play. Any gift of love is worth the cost whether or not you see the result.
(Peggy’s) Karen
September 5, 2008 at 7:34 pm
Thanks everyone