Over the past week, I’ve been contemplating my interaction (or lack of) with the opposite sex. For years, my only method was on the dance floor. I am comfortable with this; I can flirt, be charming, joke to my heart’s content. I can confidently look them in the eye without the twinge of anxiety that I normally feel when making eye contact. Through the dance, I am given a manual of what to do. Take his hand now, turn under his arm here, advance towards him there.
I have recently started dating again and am longing for the same feeling of comfort…or at least some choreography. I’m totally lost. I feel like I’m perpetually stuck in a nasty exercise we teachers sometimes give our students: give only half the dancers the dance and make them get their partners through it without words. I have not been given the intructions and I’m trying to desperatly to figure out where I’m supposed to go and what I’m supposed to do. My greatest fear in all of this is that the poor sap will get so frustrated with my inability to follow his lead that he will give up. Or, that I get so worried that he will get frustrated with me that I move faster than my comfort level (I already have a history with this).
To be fair, there has been no indication that he’s unwilling to follow MY lead, to work within my comfort zone, but my limited past experience tells me that this lasts only so long. And, let’s face it-I’m a coward. It takes a very long time for me to work up the nerve to be the initiator whether it be hand holding or a a kiss. Part of this is because somewhere it was ingrained in me that the woman shouldn’t make the first move. I absolutely realize this is ridiculous and can be dangerous, but try as I might I cannot shake this conviction.
So, after a week of analyzing and perhaps realizing the steps I missed, tonight I step back onto the floor for another chance to trip the light fantastic and,maybe, to repair the steps I botched.
